Wednesday, 7 March 2012

Owning My Decisions

I didn’t have to go to work today. I didn’t have to get up, shower, drive in, and sit at my computer. I didn’t have to fake a smile and make small talk about how summer sure is taking its time getting here this year. I could have packed up a picnic, drove out to the beach, and watched the waves all day, but I chose to be here instead. There were several reasons for this decision. There’s freezing rain, my boss would probably leave angry messages on my phone, and I’d have to answer for it tomorrow.

No matter what my rationale for why I made my decision, it was my decision to make. No one is forcing me to be here in the office. No one forced me to be in this career. These are all choices I made at various points in my life. My decisions were influenced by a slew of variables such as my upbringing, society, financial compensation, and education levels, but the simple fact remains that it is my decision and I own that.

So what's the problem? My priorities have changed but my reality hasn’t. I’m still doing what I thought I wanted to do when I was younger and more na├»ve. Where I am is safe, and change is scary. I may not like it, but it’s familiar, and what if my next choice turns out even worse? This line of thought results in a kind of career paralysis, where you would rather stagnate in something you know than take the risk of trying something new.

I believe in taking responsibility for my life’s decisions and my personal happiness level, but I’m a bit too cynical to launch into a tirade of inspirational quotes about following your heart. I will say that if you do decide to follow your heart, you should also trust your gut. That ball in your stomach tells you what you already know, and no amount of effort or distraction will change that. I know that I am not a good fit for this office, but I have decided to stick with it long after I recognized this simple truth, and I decided to be here today.

Day after day I choose to sit under these fluorescent lights in this dark building with its gray walls and dirty blue carpet stained with coffee. In the winter, I go days without ever seeing the sun because I’m afraid to jump out the corporate window. It would be easier to sit here and whine about my situation than to actually take a chance and do something about it. These upcoming travel adventures are my jump. I’ve spent enough time half-assing my life to know that I want to go all in on this hand. And that’s a decision I’m proud to own.

1 comment:

  1. Change, One of the hardest lessons in life is letting go. Whether it's guilt, anger, love, loss etc..Change is never easy, you fight to hold on and you fight to let go.

    One of my favorite quotes


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